Understanding the Abuser - Summary

Summary of important points from this section:

Society as a whole maintains many beliefs about abusers.  Some of these societal beliefs include: anger causes violence, sometimes there is no alternative to violence, women want to be dominated by men, somebody has to be in charge, jealousy is natural in men, and violence is a breakdown in communication.

• Battering in an intimate partner relationship is a sophisticated form of brain washing.  Initially, the batterer tells his partner that she is the most important person in the world to him.  He is attentive, loving, and demonstrates his concern about his concern about his partner’s well-being.  Gradually, over time the relationship begins to change and the batterer will set unrealistic expectations and excessive demands of their partners and use their disappointment with their partner’s actions to justify their assaults. 
• Some common characteristics and behaviors of batterers include: extreme jealousy, denial, unable to empathize, blames others for feelings, hypersensitivity to criticisms, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, repetitive pattern of violence, history of family violence, threats to kill/attempts to kill, will not allow partner to leave.
• Those who choose to batter their partners assume that: they are entitled to control their partner, they are a moral person even if they use violence, they will get what they want through the use of violence, and they will not suffer any consequences that outweigh the benefit of using violence.
• Signs of a “battering personality” include the following:
  • Jealousy
  • Controlling behavior
  • Quick involvement
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Isolation
  • Blames others for problems or feelings
  • Hypersensitivity
  • Cruelty to animals and/or children
  • “Playful” use of force during sex
  • Verbal abuse
  • Rigid sex roles
  • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality
  • Past battering
  • Threats of violence
  • Breaking or striking objects
  • Any force during an argument